I confess to having many recent thoughts along these lines. It is a wonderful summary.
Am I willing to see this all the way through, to be possibly destroyed by it…to be created from it…to rise from it? Am I willing to suffer…feel the weight of its demands upon my shoulders…feel crushed beneath it? Am I willing to see this through to the end and let it take on a life of its own, changing me along the way?
Am I willing to enter that pit again after seeing what light is like? Can I travel back down into the depths and bring others out with me? Can I guide them by the stars through the thickest trenches of black tar grasping and pulling at them to sink back down into the abyss? Can I do these things? Can I be that man, the one who knows himself and yet can be what the world actually needs him to be? Can I answer this call…the greatest call I’ve ever heard ringing throughout the halls of my life? Can I answer it?
Am I willing, at times, to walk alone with just my faith? Can I truly be alone? To have everything taken from me? Everyone taken from me? Can I walk this path knowing full well I will be targeted, focused on, picked apart, manipulated, ripped to shreds and have others incinerate my character? Can I do this?
Can I carry the weight of a hundred million eyes watching everything I do? Can I remain authentic in my purpose? Can I remain loving? Can I stay connected? Can I continue to trust and put my heart out there through all of this? Am I willing to crash and burn if that’s what this path calls for? Am I willing to enter into a place darker than any other place I have ever been? Am I willing to feel that pain again? Am I willing to sit on the dark shower floor in tears with my hands on my head …knees curled up into my chest…feeling the water just run over me? Can I take this? Can I stand in my flames once again? Can I refuse to lay down as the burning match and simply allow for life to put whatever fire out? How much faith can I really run on with this? Can I muster all of it? Can I call forward the courage wolf?
Am I willing to create this and watch it all be ruined by something I couldn’t control? Am I willing to go through that same heartbreak losing baseball wrenched in my soul? Can I continue after losing the people I love? Can I listen to the whispers despite the loudness of what is to come? Can I stand in the face of a wave, grander than anything I’ve ever witnessed…a wave that could drown me in a heartbeat…only to have the belief that it will flow around me at the most opportune time.
Can I rise again if I fall? Can I fall so hard I bounce. Am I willing to take the criticism? Am I willing to adapt and adjust? Am I willing to continue and endure no matter what? Am I the right man for this? Am I capable of actually doing this? Can i go on despite overwhelming fear? What if everything goes south? What if they try to ruin me? Am I willing to put myself out there, as the imperfect man I am…and witness the wolves circling constantly? Can I nourish myself despite any circumstance?
Am I doing this? Am I really doing this?
Can I really………
But what if it never……….
Am I going to completely………………
– Evan Sanders