My friend, Helen Ellwood, is writing a poem a day for NaNoWriMo. This isn’t a poem, but it is very amusing.
See her original post here.
Okay, this isn’t a poem, but it’s fun. My dear Dog Betty taught me these rules and I’m now passing them on to all the dogs who might be reading this.
1 Walk your human at least three times a day, no matter what the weather – they need the exercise.
2 Shout whenever you hear anything or think you hear anything. Humans have blunt teeth, a vestigial jaw and cannot hear much. They need our protection.
3 When anyone comes round, shout hello repeatedly – see rule number 2. Jumping up gets their attention quite well. This teaches them good manners, namely cuddling you or playing ball with you constantly and giving you constant treats.
4 When out for walks, check each lamppost and tree for wee mails. There’s a lot of spam, but some of the information is quite interesting. You can send a reply by weeing on the same spot.
5 Make sure you poo where it can be found; humans like to pick it up in plastic bags for some reason.
6 Always eat your food really quickly or someone else will eat it. You can see them watching you eat. You know they want it.
7 When your mum or dad or any guests are eating, sit close by and watch every mouthful; they need encouragement to eat properly.
8 If you find something stinky, roll in it; it saves having to buy those scented candles.
9 If anyone’s back is sore and they lie down on the floor, sit on them or lean on their legs, it helps healing.
10 Doze, snooze and relax as much as possible until a film your mum or dad wants to watch comes on TV, then ask to go out; TV is bad for their creativity.